Hellsing Abridged: Ghoulish Christmas
by Cybertramon001
Summary: A little story where Alucard and Seras live with Ken Kaneki, and on Christmas night Alucard has a fight with Santa Claus. Because reasons. Not to be taken the slightest bit seriously. Definitely rated at least T. Based on Hellsing Abridged series. Merry Christmas.


**Hi there everyone. I'm back (temporarily) to create this little funny story for the Christmas cheer. But first, a bit of an explanation to it.**

 **While I have been away, I got an idea for a possible story crossover between Tokyo Ghoul and Hellsing Abridged. In it, Alucard and Seras get some vacation days, and use them to go to Tokyo. By doing so, they get somewhat embroiled in the whole Dove/Ghoul war. Along the way, Alucard gets dared into saving Ken's life. He fails, so he tries to fix his mistake by having him turned into a half-ghoul. And also for shits and giggles. And so now, Alucard and Seras live with Ken, with Seras making him feel welcome, and Alucard treating him like a bitch. Because it's hilarious.**

 **I have yet to start working on this, but one idea that I keep thinking about was a fight between Alucard and Santa Claus. Only Santa was a complete badass that makes Anderson look tame by comparison. I was going to keep it in this future story, but since it's Christmas and all, I figured 'why the hell not?' And so here you go. Alucard Vs Santa.**

 **Fight.**

* * *

 **Hellsing Abridged: Ghoulish Christmas**

It was a cold snowy day in Tokyo. Everyone was rushing around, their collars flipped up and their hands in their pockets. Some people stopped to look at the bright lights around them, a reminder of the season.

And down in Nerima – otherwise known as the 20th Ward – two young individuals were returning home from work. A young man with black hair and an eyepatch… and a woman with blond hair and wrapped in a hooded longcoat.

Ken Kaneki eyed the wrapped present in Sera's hands. "You seem really excited about that present." He noted calmly. "Is it for someone special?"

"No, not really." Seras Victoria replied. "Well, it kind of _is_. But that's not why I'm so excited. We don't really _do_ Christmas at the manor. Sir Integra's orders."

"Maybe she's a Grinch. Or a scrooge."

Seras shook her head. "No, I don't think so. Master probably got it banned by doing some stupid. That sounds _very_ much like him."

"Yeah. It does." Ken replied bitterly. Thinking about how Alucard – her 'Master' – ruined his life by turning him into a half-ghoul for kicks. He'd love to kick Alucard around for that. But he'd never been in a fight before, and the guy was a centuries-old ass-kicking vampire. It'd be as one-sided as a rabbit going up against Godzilla.

By now, they had reached the apartment block that the three of them – formerly just Ken alone – lived in. There was a grinding sound coming from somewhere. Maybe someone was doing renovations. Well, hopefully they wouldn't be at it all night. He needed some sleep.

"Speaking of stupid… what do you think Alucard's been doing all day?" He asked as he opened his door. And then he stopped, mouth agape.

The far wall… It had been smashed apart. Bricks were left everywhere, and cement was dripping over the floor. A pillar rose up through the roof. And in the middle of it all was…

"What are _you_ looking at?" Alucard asked. "Haven't you ever seen a chimney before?"

"Wh…Wh… _Why_?!" Ken shouted in anguish. "Why do I have a chimney?!"

"Because Santa uses them to sneak into houses, you idiot. What, you think he's going to go through the front door like a regular person? What kind of Santa would he be if he did that?"

Sera gasped in delight. "Master. You believe in Santa?"

"Sure I do. And we're going to make sure the fat old fuck shows up here." He grabbed two boxes left nearby, and tossed both at them. "You two. Start putting up decorations. I've gotta finish this chimney. Make sure it's up to code. And Police Girl, after that, go and 'acquire' a Christmas tree."

"Yes Master. Right away Master." Seras replied cheerfully, humming Christmas songs to herself as she headed for the rooms. Ken just stood there, staring at the causal destruction of his property.

"Why?" He whimpered.

* * *

Two nights later, on December 24th, the apartment was ready for Christmas. A slightly bent tree stood beside the fireplace, cheap presents around the trunk. Stockings hung from the wall, and tinsel covered the door frames. Seras had even set up some milk and cookies for Santa. Now the three of them stood in the living room, ready for the nightly visit.

"Uh, Seras? You _do_ realise that Santa's not real. Right?" Ken asked as he watched the buxom lady skipping around the room in cheer. "He's just made up, remember?"

"Says the man-eater to the vampires." Alucard snarked back, fully dressed in his usual red coat and hat. He was busy setting up a chair, right in front of the chimney.

"Master's right, Ken. I've met vampires and Ghouls now. Apparently werewolves are meant to be a thing too. So why not a jolly old man delivering presents?" Seras agreed, finishing off the last minute decorations.

"Well… I guess I can't really argue with that kind of logic." Ken replied lamely.

"Then don't." Alucard said. And then he clapped his hands together. "Alright people! Time to turn in for the night. It's 10 o'clock, and we've got two hours before Old Nick shows up."

"Yay!" Seras cheered, rushing down the hall. But Ken stayed where he was, watching Alucard. The elder vampire turned to give him a stare.

"I… can't help but notice that _you're_ not ready for bed yet." He finally said.

"Oh, I'm not going to bed." Alucard replied, sitting down in the chair. "I'm going to wait for him right. Here."

"You really want to see him that much?"

"…Yes. Yes, that's why I'm waiting."

Ken sighed. "Alright. Fine. Whatever." And then he headed for his own bed.

The hours ticked away. Ken was doing his best to fall asleep. Seras was cuddling a teddy bear, waiting for the sound of sleigh bells. And Alucard was motionless. One hand hidden inside his coat.

Two hours later, at the stroke of midnight, Ken was just nodding off. Ash trickled down the chimney.

And then the air was rent by the sound of multiple gun shots. Waking everyone up.

"What was _that_!?" Ken shouted, rushing for the living room. "Are we under attack? Are the Doves in here? Do we need to…?" He stopped, staring at the room before him. "…Ho. Ly. Shit." He finally gasped.

"What's all the racket?" Seras suddenly called out, a rifle in hand. She too sprinted into the room, and stopped as she saw their 'aggressor'. She gasped, pressing one hand to her mouth. "Master." She finally said, her tone full of hurt and pain. "I can't believe you."

"Oh yeah. Take _that_ , you fat bastard." Alucard said while grinning, pumping another round into a large man with a white beard. " _That_ is what you get when you don't deliver me my prostitutes!"

"You shot Santa!" Seras cried out.

"Of course I did. Why else do you think I had a chair right in front of the fireplace? Because I enjoy Christmas? It's just consumerism gone mad."

"But… But Santa! All the good little boys and girls! Presents!"

"Alucard, I don't even _believe_ in the old guy. But even _I_ know that this is fucked up." Ken remarked.

"What? Killing Santa, or building a chimney just to lure him into a trap? Because let's face it, this is _not_ the worst thing I've ever done." Alucard leaned in, taking in his kill. "Wait a second." He grabbed the beard, yanking it clean off. "This isn't Santa. It's just a hobo in a suit! Where the hell is the old man?"

And at that point, the front door was _blown_ off its hinges, flying between Ken and Seras to slam right into Alucard, smashing him against the fireplace. They both turned to see a giant of a man in a red suit stomping in, an equally large sack hanging from one shoulder. "Ho ho ho, motherfucker." He said in a deep booming voice. "I come bearing an ass-whooping."

Seras gasped, before squealing like a little girl. "Santa!"

"Indeed, Miss Victoria. It is I, Santa Claus. In the flesh. And I brought presents for all the good people." Santa reached into his sack, pulling out gifts in each hand. "A stuffed doll for you, Seras. A packet of human flesh for Mr Kaneki…" At that point, the door exploded, Alucard charging out of the fireplace with both weapons blazing. Santa pulled out a giant shield, blocking the rounds before grabbing his sack and smashing Alucard across the face with it. "…A pillowcase full of coal for Alucard…" He started smacking him around with said pillowcase, before jamming a giant gun into Alucard's broken jaw. "…And a giant, 40 mm anti-tank rifle for Mr Victoria." And then he pulled the trigger, blowing a hole through Alucard, the far wall, and the building behind it. "…Slightly used."

But then Alucard, still alive, rammed his gun barrel against Santa's forehead, firing every round at point blank range. Santa was thrown backwards from the force, stumbling away as Alucard regenerated. Santa growled, his own damage already healing.

"Hey there, Nicky boy." Alucard finally said, grinning. "Still handing out the coal, I see."

"Alucard." Santa rumbled. "Still being a bad boy, I see."

"Oh, I am _so_ much more than just a 'bad boy'."

"I know. And that's why you keep getting coal."

Alucard took a deep breath. "Well then. At least _I_ know what to do now." And then he shot at Santa again.

But Santa hadn't survived this long _just_ by being a quasi-immortal man. He used his sack to swat the bullets aside, before grabbing the shield and ramming into Alucard with it. And then he jumped into the fireplace, his body glowing as he was sucked up the chimney. Alucard turned into a swarm of bats and followed after him.

Ken found himself being suddenly pulled along by Seras. "Quick! We have to make sure Master doesn't kill Santa! Or anyone else!" She shouted, even as they were jumping high into the air.

And when they landed on the rooftops, they were almost killed by rifle fire.

Alucard and Santa were running around the roof, shooting at each other. Alucard used his usual pistols, while Santa was dual-wielding massive rifles like an action hero. And then Alucard dashed in, smacking the rifles from his hands. Santa responded by punching him in the gut and pulling out another rifle from his sack. Alucard smacked that away, so Santa pulled out another. And another. And another.

Then Santa opened his sack towards Alucard, just as the vampire smacked his palm against his chest. A long pole extended from the sack, knocking Alucard into the next building. But despite his pain, Alucard was smiling.

"Hey Nicky!" He shouted. "Guess who went Christmas shopping last night!" Santa looked down to see a block of C4 stuck to his jacket.

And then it exploded, nearly tearing the roof apart. Alucard turned to mist and flowed from under the pole, reforming with a big grin.

But the smoke parted. Santa was still alive. And didn't look very happy.

His jacket had been torn away, revealing the kind of muscles men _wished_ they had. Scars and tattoos adorned his skin, making it look fiercer than normal. But his beard remained intact, still a pearly white.

"Ooh. Nice look. You been hitting the gym, old man?" Alucard remarked, as Santa tossed away the remnants of his jacket.

"Not much else to do during the other 11 months of the year." Santa answered. "But as much as I'd _love_ to have a fight with you, Alucard, I'm a busy man tonight. Will you stop your attempt on my life?"

"Depends. Are you going to give me hookers?"

Santa grinned, and flexed his muscles in response.

"Yeah. Didn't think so." And then Alucard fired again.

But Santa was ready this time. He already blurred sideways, dodging the rounds. And then he scooped up one of his fallen rifles, blasting even as he raised it. Alucard vanished away, reappearing above Santa. And then he streaked downwards… just in time to get a rifle butt to the face. The gun broke from the force, and Santa rolled to grab another rifle. It went on like this for several more minutes.

"Oh my god. Santa is kicking Master's butt." Sera squealed.

"Hold still you fat bastard, so I can put a bullet down your throat." Alucard shouted.

"How about you enjoy some yuletide reckoning, you perverted murderer." And then Santa smashed bodily into Alucard, throwing them both off the roof. The impact was felt throughout the Ward. Seras and Ken looked on from the rooftop.

The dust parted, revealing Santa and Alucard lying down. And then Alucard started laughing.

"What's so funny, Tepes?" Santa asked, as he got back to his feet.

"Oh… nothing." Alucard replied. "By the way… Have you met my pet?" And then a dark cloud formed around him, eyes and teeth emerging as it resembled a canine form. The giant demon dog roared loudly, shattering glass.

"Hah. Is that supposed to _scare_ me? Let me show you something _really_ scary!" And then he gave a loud whistle. Bells jingled. And something huge crashed into the ground. When the cloud parted, Seras and Ken were shocked by what they saw.

The creature had _some_ resemblance to a reindeer. It had probably been one at some point. But it was too large, too muscular, too… pointy to be one. It was easily three metres high, bristling with muscles and its fur almost bursting into flame. The antlers were equally massive, each tip sharpened to a point. Fangs glistened with saliva, and its eyes were glowing with fire. And the end of its snout… was gone. Ripped off.

Alucard looked up at the giant monster. "Rudolph! I hardly recognised you!" He paused. "Hey! Where's your nose?"

That appeared to be the worst thing he could've said. Rudolph's muscles nearly exploded, and his head was engulfed in flames as he roared in fury. He brought a hoof down on top of Alucard, only _just_ being blocked by the Hound attacking him. Rudolph roared again, biting the Hound, who snarled and sank its fangs into a leg. The two of them smashed each other into the ground over and over again.

Alucard smirked. "Got any more tricks, Nicky boy?"

"Glad you asked. On Thrasher, on Crasher! On Bruiser, on Crusher, and Hammerton!" Santa called out, five shapes flying towards Alucard. Five roided reindeers stampeded over him, trampling him into the ground. Dust and debris filled the air.

"Uh… shouldn't we be helping him?" Ken asked nervously.

"Look, whatever's going on is clearly between him and Santa. If he's in trouble for being a bad boy, that's _his_ problem." Seras replied. "Besides, do you know how many times I've ever seen _anybody_ put Master on the defensive?"

"Like _hell_ I'm on the defensive!" Alucard suddenly shouted, guns blazing as he jumped out from the middle of the pile. His rounds tore into the flesh of the reindeer, revealing cybernetic parts. Metal eyes glowing red, they all rammed their horns into Alucard, before they started glowing. The explosion shredded everything within range, and caused cracks to form in the building around them.

The blood splattered across the road turned into mist, reforming as Alucard. Santa stood at the other end, arms crossed.

"Ready to give up this pointless battle, Tepes?" Santa asked. "It doesn't have to be this way. Surely you can understand that all the terrible things you've done have put you on the naughty list. Why can't you just let this blood feud go?" Alucard didn't respond. He just stood there, leaning over and panting. But then he grinned. As if he knew something Santa didn't.

"Nicholas… You used to be a priest, right?"

"Indeed. A bishop, to be precise. Until I became something… more."

"So tell me… All those nightly visits to children… do little boys get on your nice list by sleeping with you?"

The night air went silent. Void of the sounds of creaking metal. Void of sirens and dogs barking. Not even the wind made any noise.

And then, the silence was shattered. When Santa gave the loudest, angriest, berserker roar in all history.

" **HOW! DARE! YOU!"** he screamed, his voice twisted by pure rage into something demonic. His muscles swelled in size, fur growing everywhere as his scars burst into flames. Fangs and claws and tusks grew from him, until what stood before Alucard was a snarling monster in the shape of a man. A flayed-skin coat billowed around him, and he pulled two giant bloody axes from his sack. He then roared again, the ground cracking from the sheer force. Alucard, in response, turned into a giant multi-eyed abomination of shadows.

"That's it, Nicky! Come and get me!" Alucard shouted in aplomb. And then they both charged for each other, weapons at the ready.

The collision was said to have been enough to blast back the seas from all of Japan.

* * *

Hours later, the entire ward had been devastated.

Desiccated corpses laid alongside destroyed wooden golems, horses stuck on the spears of giant trains, and blood and sparkles flowed equally. In the center of the mess, deep within a giant crater, Santa Claus and Alucard laid; bleeding and ragged. Alucard had four axes cutting through him, while Santa was missing half his beard and an arm. They were both exhausted from fighting. They could only watch as the sun started coming up.

And then… Alucard started laughing.

"Let me guess; you've come up with _another_ paedophile priest joke." Santa said.

"No. I'm just happy that my _other_ plan worked out." That made Santa sit up. The sparkles bleeding from his stump started forming into a new arm.

"What other plan?"

"Ruining Christmas. You spent so long here, fighting me, that you couldn't make the rest of your deliveries. Billions of children out there never got their presents. And thinking about their sad little faces hurts you more than any blade or bullet." He smirked, ready to hear Santa cry.

But instead, he heard laughter. Not the jolly laughter Nick was known for, but a tired laugh.

"Oh Alucard. You forget yourself. We've been doing this every year since people started believing in me. Since I turned from a humble, kind priest into a powerful, gift-giving berserker spirit of joy. Do you not think I don't know how our visits always turn out? You keep whole cupboards full of bullets with my name on them." Santa grinned. "Don't you think I would've _planned_ for this?"

And in the silence of the battlefield, they both heard it. As did Seras and Ken, who had found shelter during the intense battle.

The sound of sleigh bells.

"…You dirty bastard." Alucard growled.

"I may have delivered Miss Victoria's and Mr Kaneki's presents personally, but I let my elves deliver the rest while I kept you busy. The plan worked like a charm. You were so busy trying to kill me, that you never even noticed that my sleigh was missing. And your lust for my death will blind you every year until the end of time." At the top of the crater, two shapes flopped down towards them. Alucard's hound, now ragged and with holes in it, laid beside its master. While Rudolph, while bleeding, managed to hobble and stand proudly beside Santa. He used his reins to help himself up, his newly formed hand summoning his sack to his side. "A part of me wishes I could see you dead, if only to make these nights easier. But that is not the way of The Lord, and seeing you humiliated is more than enough for me." And with that, he hopped onto Rudolph, and both flew away to rejoin the sleigh.

"…Old bastard." Alucard muttered. But he grinned. This was the best fight he had this whole year. The joy of facing an equal warrior kept him at this almost as much as not getting his presents. Now, if only he had something to jerk off to…

Santa's sleigh came to a halt above the crater. He watched as a massive boulder of coal rolled over the side, and fell straight towards him. As it approached and grew closer, he imagined it as something else.

Mrs Claus, Santa's young and hot wife, falling towards him ass-first. In nothing but a bikini.

"Still don't know how you got such a hot wife." He said, as the giant coal boulder/lady ass squashed him into the ground.

* * *

 _ **For Christmas:**_

 _Seras got to keep her doll, and got a second giant rifle from Santa._

* * *

 _Ken got his human meat, until Alucard shoved it up his ass for kicks._

* * *

 _Walter got an all-expense-paid cleaning service for the manor. And a chemistry kit by mistake._

* * *

 _Sir Integra got an armour-piercing pistol… and a lifetime supply of aspirin. The next day, Santa returned with a_ _ **second**_ _lifetime supply of aspirin._

* * *

 _Alucard got seven more tonnes of coal… and his Netflix account suspended._

 _He was not happy._

* * *

 _Anderson got a copy of Boomdock Saints on Blu-ray, and a fight with Alucard. And the joy of knowing that he was the second child-friendly priest to fight Alucard._

* * *

 _The Major got a Star of David, the Torah, and hangman game with a Nazi figure. Also, he got a wedgie from Santa._

* * *

 _The Captain got given a flea collar and a squeaky toy._

 _He has yet to return either._

* * *

 _The Doctor was given a brand new medical licence. However, he was also given a restraining order for all patients._

 _The only thing he could trade them in for… was a book on medical ethics._

* * *

 _Schrodinger was given a box and a laser pointer. He would've complained about stereotyping, but he was too busy chasing the laser._

* * *

 _Rip Van Winkle was given a record player with non-stop opera. Millennium promptly destroyed it after ten hours of opera._

* * *

 _Zorin was given a treasure map for Nazi gold. After chasing it for three weeks straight, she realised it was just leading her in circles._

 _She was not pleased. Her soldiers tried to cheer her up with lesbian pornos._

 _She was even less pleased._

* * *

 _And Santa got to rest and recuperate with his hot wife._

* * *

 _ **Merry Christmas everyone.**_


End file.
